No, Mama Doesn’t Know Best Just Because She’s Mama
What happens when we stop treating motherhood as moral immunity
There’s a phrase that has irked me since before I ever had kids; one that makes my eye twitch every time it’s paraded around like gospel:
“Mama knows best.”
It was blasted again recently in a Facebook mom group I’m in. Someone posted:
“If you’re not a first-time mom, what advice would you give the FTMs here? I’ll go first: trust your gut always … Mama knows best!”
Except the comments did not go the way she expected.
I was one of the first to respond. I said, bluntly:
“My advice (and this only applies if you’re not married to a loser manchild) is to remember you’re a team. Sometimes you’ll know best. Sometimes he will. Don’t assume you’re above him just because you carried and birthed the baby. You’re both real parents.”
Immediately women jumped in saying they never felt this mystical “mother’s intuition,” and how being told they should made them spiral into feeling broken and even into PPD territory.
Others shared stories of their own abusive mothers, or mothers who protected abusive fathers, and said:
“Did my narcissistic mother know best? Did the woman who ignored abuse ‘know best’?”
Suddenly, the sacred phrase fell apart under its own weight, and I sat there thinking “Finally. Finally moms are allowed to question a sentence that has been weaponized for generations.”
Mama Doesn’t Automatically Know Best
Let’s say it clearly.
Birthing a baby does not crown someone omniscient.
Having a uterus does not grant moral authority.
Motherhood does not erase accountability.
Intuition, while powerful, is not infallible.
I think this mindset grates on me so deeply for two core reasons.
One, because my late dad was my safe parent. My mother was unstable, anxious, and emotionally unsafe. The idea that “she knows best simply because she’s mom” is not only inaccurate but frankly, dangerous.
Two, I always knew my husband would be an equal parent. Before pregnancy/birth, I knew he would show up with hands, heart, patience, and grit.
I knew there would be moments where he would know best… because he would be the calmer one and he one not drowning in hormones and postpartum anxiety.
Sixteen months into parenthood … Confirmed.
There have been days I knew exactly what she needed. There have been days where he did.
Neither is “the default.”
Sometimes What Feels Like Intuition… Is Actually Anxiety
Now here's a story that humbled the hell out of me …
I bought one of those newborn oxygen-monitor socks. I didn’t read the instructions (rookie mistake) and assumed it was a 24/7 Fitbit for babies.
She’s bottle-feeding and suddenly the alarm starts blaring saying her oxygen level was at 60%.
My panic ignited like gasoline. I swore my intuition was screaming that she needed the ER. My husband calmly said “Let me read the instructions.”
Sure enough right there in bold print:
“Only use while sleeping. Awake use can cause false alarms.”
My intuition wasn’t intuition. It was cortisol, postpartum brain and trauma-body disguised as “mother’s knowing.”
Without him I would’ve been in the ER over a false alarm and come home with nothing more than a likely several thousand dollar bill
The Research Show Fathers Actually Develop Intuition Too
This part no one talks about. Studies show that:
skin-to-skin
bottle-feeding
co-sleeping / room-sharing
hands-on caregiving
all trigger hormonal changes in fathers (increased prolactin, decreased testosterone, heightened attunement).
Translation - he is not biologically disqualified from knowing what his baby needs.
Oh, and one of my favorite arguments against “Mama knows best” is -
“What about babies raised by two gay dads? Who “knows best” then … the surrogate who never sees the child after birth?”
Exactly.
If Mama Truly “Always Knew Best” Then Why Do These Groups Exist?
I am in Facebook groups like:
Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers
Maternal Abuse Survivors
Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
All with hundreds of thousands of members.
If “mom automatically knows best,” these groups should be niche and small. But they are far from that.
They are filled with many adult children were raised by women who never should have held that authority unchallenged.
Including me.
What I Want New Fathers To Hear
Be gentle in those first weeks; postpartum bodies and minds are fragile.
But once you cross that vulnerable window, stand your ground. Say something like :
“I made this baby too. I love this baby. I am an equal parent. This child deserves both of us.”
Don’t disappear into the background. Don’t let “Mama knows best” become a muzzle. You are allowed to know. You are allowed to state your parenting philosophy and challenge hers.
You are allowed to have insight that matters.
What I Want New Mothers To Hear
It is okay if the intuition fairytale never arrives. It is okay to not know everything. It is okay to lean on someone else.
If you’re one of the lucky ones like me where your partner is hands-on, emotionally attuned, dialed-in, and devoted ….
Let. Him. Parent.
Sometimes he will know best. Sometimes you will.
That is what a team looks like.
Motherhood is sacred but it does not make you the almighty knowing.
The healthiest families are not ones where a mother reigns supreme, but ones where everyone gets to show up.
I’m not interested in parenting ideologies that rely on silence, hierarchy, or fear.
I’m interested in accountability, partnership, and families where no one’s voice is erased.
If that resonates, you’re in the right place ✨️🩵